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"Why Do I Have To Always Explain Myself?" - How To Deal With Chronic Distrust

By Michael Weisz

 

Have you noticed that your BPD dear one is checking your emails, phone calls, text messages, or friends?

Have you noticed that he / she doesn't believe what you say?

Or have you noticed that he / she tends to get suspicious or skeptic the moment you do or say certain things?

BPDs do these things because they don't know who they can trust.

Also, maybe up until now you have responded to their distrust with reasonable explanations. Of course you had good intentions in mind. However, if your BPD dear one is just like the rest of BPD sufferers, your explanations have probably cooled waters down for the moment, but over time have made the BPD get even more incredulous of you.

During their childhood most BPDs faced a lot of convincing from their significant adults. Unfortunately, usually they used to be convinced to serve the adults' interests and not theirs. This meant that they had to go against their own interests to please others.

The consequence was that your BPD dear person has probably developed some kind of deep mistrust or repulsion to convincing.

BPD suffering people, like your loved one, need to discover and understand things for themselves. If you know what to do, you can use this BPD "glitch" to turn things around in the relationship.

This is how it is done...

First, stop trying to convince them. It rarely works, if ever. The more you try to convince them, the more resistance and walls they are going to put up against you and your reasoning. Don't do it. Let them discover and understand things for themselves.

I know that this can be frustrating, especially in moments when getting their collaboration is time sensitive. However, this little short-term drawback is going to pay off long-term. How? Well, you have already done a consistent amount of convincing and explaining with little or no results, haven't you? So this time try a different approach! If one strategy doesn't work, go with a different one... like taking pressure off of your BPD loved one and let them discover and understand things for themselves. Eventually they are going to reach to the same conclusions as you have tried so hard to convey to and "onto" them.

Do you think now they are going to give their trust? Immediately maybe not, however it is a BIG plus that they have reached to your conclusion ON THEIR OWN. Maybe he or she will not admit this openly, however they will realize that they have made a fool out of themselves AND that maybe it is time to trust you.

See? This way you can achieve the same result by letting them get to it on their own. People that can't trust others first need to find out things for themselves. They will get some real-life experience, find out which is "north" and which is "south" in real life. This will help them figure out whom they can trust and whom they should keep away from.

Back to you, as you can see, their mistrust is not about you, it is about them learning the ropes and workings of the world and real life. Once they gain this experience, trusting you is going to be a lot easier to them. So give them a bit of space and lighten "pressure" up. Eventually they are going to come to you for help and advice. Pressure pushes them away, light or no pressure makes them want to get closer to you, especially in situations when it's your word against their word and you don't have additional evidence to support your version of things.

So, stop "pressing" them with arguments, explanations and facts. Lighten up, let them find out the same facts on their own, and eventually they will come back to you, their "hero". 

Secondly, if you know that others' suspiciousness or skepticism make you tense, anxious, or irritated, maybe you need to work a bit on yourself and develop your confidence and self-esteem. You can learn how to develop these traits in YOU in Chapter 3 of 'End The Borderline Chaos'.

Thirdly, when your BPD dear one asks questions, answer with short and concise sentences, on a confident tone, and with a confident body language.

In other words, you might tell the truth, but if your body language, voice tone, or facial expression says you are tense or anxious, a BPD person will think that you have just lied to them.

As the saying goes "when you believe in yourself others will eventually have no other choice but to believe in you." Generally, confidence and HOW you communicate is a lot more important than WHAT you say. When interacting with BPD sufferers you need to really have your confidence and "inner world" together because they are extremely sensitive and can pick up the smallest incongruities between what you say and what your non-verbal communication conveys.

Try to look at your BPD dear one as a mirror that reflects back your "weaker" personality traits that need to be worked on. Of course, with BPDs you need to take those "reflections" with a grain of salt. However, when you get angry or irritated reactions from your BPD dear one, first try to understand what they are actually trying to say. An angry, frustrated, or irritated person doesn't want conflict, they want or need something that they don't know how to get on their own. Additionally, usually BPD sufferers aren't even aware of what they want or need. SO, try not to get angry, and try to get to the bottom of what they are trying to tell you. It may be hard and puzzling in the beginning, but work on really trying to understand the other one and you will gain their trust and admiration - because you are going to be one of the very few people in this world who is actually trying to understand them! This alone could turn your relationship around!

Fourth, instead of trying to convince your BPD loved person, give them facts or details that they can look up for themselves. 

For example, if yesterday you got home one hour late and since then your BPD wife or girlfriend thinks that you are having an affair, give her a few details about the great time you had with your buddies over a beer at the club or pub that she knows you use to go to. Don't wait her to ask which buddies you were with. Take the lead and just tell them who you went to the pub/club to. Maybe you felt great and had lost track of time. Once she'll find out that you told the truth, mistrust should dissipate by itself.

Be honest, answer with short sentences, and let her convince herself about you on her own. Doing it this way will not put your word against hers, but several other peoples' words (i.e., your buddies) against hers. Eventually she will be left with no other choice but to accept the facts, trust you, and change the way she sees you and people.

And by the way, just because she doesn't trust you for the moment DOESN'T necessarily mean that you are an untrustful person... unless you think otherwise, which means than that you need to develop yourself.

Remember, it's not how others think of you but how you think of yourself that make you feel bad. This goes hand in hand with the fact that you have TOTAL control over what you think, your feelings, your actions, and reactions REGARDLESS how your BPD dear person or somebody else treats you. It is the same principle described in the "Samurai Story" in 'End The Borderline Chaos'!

Restore Trust, Heal YOUR Emotional Wounds, And Put YOUR Relationship On A NEW Path That Takes YOU And YOUR RELATIONSHIP To Peace, Trust, And Harmony!

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Borderline Personality "Decoded"

Why My BPD Dear One Is Always "Off"?

Misery In Two - How Your BPD Loved One Influences You Emotionally

"He/She Needs To Change!" - How To Induce BPD Sufferers To Change

Feeling Apprehensive About The Next Mood Swing Or Angry Outburst?

"I Feel Trapped!" - How To Stop Emotional Co-Dependency

"I'm At My Wits End" - How To Gain Hope Back By Doing Things Differently


 

 


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