"Why Do I Have To Always Explain Myself?" - How To
Deal With Chronic Distrust
By Michael Weisz
Have you noticed that your BPD
dear one is checking your emails, phone calls,
text messages, or friends?
Have you noticed that he / she
doesn't believe what you say?
Or have you noticed that he / she
tends to get suspicious or skeptic the moment you do or
say certain things?
BPDs do these things because
they don't know who they can trust.
Also, maybe up until now you have
responded to their distrust with reasonable
explanations. Of course you had good intentions in
However, if your BPD dear one is just like the rest
of BPD sufferers, your explanations have probably
cooled waters down for the moment, but over time
have made the BPD get even more incredulous of you.
During their childhood most
BPDs faced a lot of convincing from their
significant adults. Unfortunately, usually they used
to be convinced to serve the adults' interests and
not theirs. This
meant that they had to go against their own
interests to please others.
The consequence was that your
BPD dear person has probably developed some kind of
deep mistrust or repulsion to convincing.
BPD suffering people, like your
loved one, need to discover and
understand things for themselves. If you know what
to do, you can use this BPD "glitch" to
turn things around in the relationship.
This is how it is done...
First, stop trying to convince
them. It rarely works, if ever. The more you try to
convince them, the more resistance and walls they
are going to put up against you and your reasoning.
Don't do it. Let them discover and understand things
I know that this can be
frustrating, especially in moments when getting
their collaboration is time sensitive. However, this
little short-term drawback is going to pay off
long-term. How? Well, you have already done a
consistent amount of convincing and explaining with
little or no results, haven't you? So this time try
a different approach! If one strategy doesn't work,
go with a different one... like taking pressure off
of your BPD loved one and let them discover and
understand things for themselves. Eventually they
are going to reach to the same conclusions as you
have tried so hard to convey to and "onto" them.
Do you think now they are going
to give their trust? Immediately maybe not, however
it is a BIG plus that they have reached to your
conclusion ON THEIR OWN. Maybe he or she will not
admit this openly, however they will realize that
they have made a fool out of themselves AND that
maybe it is time to trust you.
See? This way you can achieve
the same result by letting them get to it on their
own. People that can't trust others first need to
find out things for themselves. They will get some
real-life experience, find out which is "north" and
which is "south" in real life. This will help them
figure out whom they can trust and whom they should
keep away from.
Back to you, as you can see,
their mistrust is not about you, it is about them
learning the ropes and workings of the world and
real life. Once they gain this experience, trusting
you is going to be a lot easier to them. So give
them a bit of space and lighten "pressure" up.
Eventually they are going to come to you for help
and advice. Pressure pushes them away, light or no
pressure makes them want to get closer to you,
especially in situations when it's your word against
their word and you don't have additional evidence to
support your version of things.
So, stop "pressing" them with
arguments, explanations and facts. Lighten up, let
them find out the same facts on their own, and
eventually they will come back to you, their "hero".
Secondly, if you know that
others' suspiciousness or skepticism make you tense,
anxious, or irritated, maybe you need to work a bit
on yourself and develop your confidence and
self-esteem. You can learn how to develop these traits in
YOU in Chapter 3 of
Thirdly, when your BPD dear one
asks questions, answer with short and
concise sentences, on a confident tone, and with a
confident body language.
In other words, you might tell
the truth, but if your body language, voice tone, or
facial expression says you are tense or anxious, a
BPD person will think that you have just lied to
As the saying goes "when you
believe in yourself others will eventually have no
other choice but to believe in you." Generally,
confidence and HOW you communicate is a lot more important than
WHAT you say. When interacting with BPD sufferers
you need to really have your confidence and "inner
world" together because they are extremely sensitive
and can pick up
the smallest incongruities between what you say and
what your non-verbal communication conveys.
Try to look at your BPD dear
one as a mirror that reflects back your "weaker"
personality traits that need to be worked on. Of
course, with BPDs you need to take those
"reflections" with a grain of salt. However, when
you get angry or irritated reactions from your BPD
dear one, first try to understand what they are
actually trying to say. An angry, frustrated, or
irritated person doesn't want conflict, they want or
need something that they don't know how to get on
their own. Additionally, usually BPD sufferers
aren't even aware of what they want or need. SO, try
not to get angry, and try to get to the bottom of
what they are trying to tell you. It may be hard and
puzzling in the beginning, but work on really trying
to understand the other one and you will gain their
trust and admiration - because you are going to be
one of the very few people in this world who is
actually trying to understand them! This alone could
turn your relationship around!
Fourth, instead of trying to
convince your BPD loved person, give them facts or details
can look up for themselves.
For example, if yesterday you
got home one hour late and since then your BPD
wife or girlfriend thinks that you are having an affair,
give her a few details about the great time you had
with your buddies over a beer at the club or pub
that she knows you use to go to. Don't wait her to
ask which buddies you were with. Take the lead and
just tell them who you went to the pub/club to. Maybe you
felt great and had lost track of time. Once she'll
find out that you told the truth, mistrust should
dissipate by itself.
Be honest, answer with short
sentences, and let her convince herself
about you on her own. Doing it this way will not put
your word against hers, but several other peoples' words
(i.e., your buddies) against
hers. Eventually she will be left with no other
choice but to accept the facts, trust you, and
change the way she sees you and people.
And by the way, just because
she doesn't trust you for the moment DOESN'T
necessarily mean that you are an untrustful
person... unless you think otherwise, which means
than that you need to develop yourself.
Remember, it's not how others
think of you but how you think of yourself that make
you feel bad. This goes hand in hand with the fact
that you have TOTAL control over what you think,
your actions, and reactions REGARDLESS how your BPD
dear person or somebody else treats you. It is the
same principle described in the "Samurai Story" in
'End The Borderline Chaos'!
Trust, Heal YOUR Emotional Wounds, And Put YOUR Relationship
On A NEW Path That Takes YOU And YOUR
RELATIONSHIP To Peace, Trust,