"I Feel Trapped!" - How To Stop Emotional Co-Dependency
By Michael Weisz
Do you feel trapped? Do you
feel like your life is going nowhere? Do you feel
like your life has ended? Do you feel worthless if
you don't give yourself entirely to others? Do you feel
like you can't live with or
without your BPD dear one?
These are signs of
The problem with this
personality trait is that it makes one to make
decisions that have significantly less benefits than
what you give. A co-dependent person is usually
giving a lot more than what they get in return.
Another important aspect that
needs to be pointed out here is the fact that most co-dependent
people either don't feel that they invest more than
what they get in return, or that they don't know how to
rebalance the giving and getting in the relationship.
In real life, many BPD
sufferers are in relationships with co-dependent non-BPD life partners.
The amount of love, care, attention, support the
co-dependent is giving is never enough for the BPD
Every once in a while the BPD suffering person feels
satisfied, which many times is enough to the
co-dependent individual to feel appreciated
and to feel that they are getting something in return.
So why do co-dependent people
stay in such unbalanced and emotionally depriving
relationships? Because in their childhood
years they probably had been faced with similar
experiences from parents or siblings. They had
to keep giving, like taking care of others, being
the caretakers of their needy parents, while getting
very little or nothing in return.
So people with co-dependent
personality traits think that their
reason to live is to take care of others no matter
how big the personal costs, and whether they get
something in return or not. Co-dependent people feel
that they are only worthy for as long as they give.
If they stop giving, they feel worthless, even if
nobody is complaining about it!
For these reasons, co-dependent
individuals tend to lose themselves in relationships, get
exploited, and left deprived. All these
shortcomings eventually lead to
feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, depression,
worthlessness, low self-esteem and low confidence.
If you want to "un-trap"
yourself, to free yourself, there are three key things
that you need to integrate into your personality
The first thing is that others' feelings are NOT yours.
It is admirable to want to
support and encourage your close ones, BUT being
there for them every step of their ways is NOT your
responsibility! They need to learn to handle their
problems without having to always rely on you or
others! They need to learn to stand on their feet,
to grow up, and become responsible mature adults!
To make this
happen you have to be stable and independent
emotionally YOURSELF! You have to understand that
you don't have to be responsible for everything
that happens in other peoples' lives! As a matter of
fact, you shouldn't take responsibility for others,
even if they are dear people to you. Why? Because
they will learn that:
They don't have to take
responsibility for their actions and lives;
There is always somebody
who pays for their damages;
Their negative actions and
decisions are not as bad as you or others are
telling them because you, by stepping in, are
make those effects less damaging!
So, the bottom line is that it
is okay that you want to help, we all need help
every once in a while. Just don't go over the board
with it. Teach them to catch the fish BUT don't give
them the fish because they will never learn how to
fish effectively! Take a step back and this time let
them do the hard work. If they blame you for not
helping them, tell them that you are not supposed to
help them out in everything and they need to do
things on their own!
The second thing that
you need to do is to
acknowledge your needs, your feelings, and
your limits. This follows that you need to build your
In other words, you need to
be aware of who you are, what your NATURAL (!!)
physical and emotional needs are, and how much you
can give and not get anything in return without
feeling deprived! You need to know that YOU are a
worthy person REGARDLESS what others told you or how
your BPD dear ones are trying to manipulate you.
Two people have a healthy relationship
when both acknowledge, respect, and fulfill each
others' needs. In a healthy relationship there
is a balance between giving and receiving!
I know, these things probably
sound very unfamiliar to you and make you feel like
you are on uncharted territories. If you feel this
way it is because until now you probably haven't
spent enough time with at least one person who
knows what a healthy, balanced, harmonious
Also, you can't expect the BPD
to meet your needs if you are not aware of them, can
So start working on developing your sense
of value, on becoming totally aware of who you are
as a human,
and what your natural and normal needs are!
Thirdly, start making your own
decisions on things that are concerning you only.
You need to develop your emotional independency as well as
your decision-making skills AND power! You will find
having a certain amount of independency and reaching certain
decisions on your own is NOT a crime, but actually a
healthy thing to do! A relationship is a partnership
in which two UNIQUE (!!) people are having a life in
common. This means that you and your BPD loved one
need to have a certain physical and emotional
independency and freedom in order to build and have a healthy
Knowing how to do all these
things need more specific guidance. In
'End The Borderline Chaos'
I have covered everything that you need to know in order
to stop co-dependency, to know how to take care
of yourself, how to heal your emotional wounds,
and how to guide your BPD dear person to change.